I am finding it really strange that I am a lot more sensitive to the plight of others lately, strangers even. I cannot even read a tragic news story without wanting to cry. I want to rage, to fight, to magically change the tragic events I witness around me. I know it is fanciful, futile even to wish for such things, but I do. I find myself dwelling on these things just a little too long. While people all around me shake their heads, sigh, and ask rhetorical questions like "what is this world coming to?" and move on, I dwell on it and feel a little more like my world is not a safe place to be, like anything can happen at any time. I struggle with the ‘not knowing what lies ahead’ a lot, and yes it is a control freak issue. I am sure of it. I want to be able to trust God and just KNOW that whatever happens, it will be ok because He is in control. He is, ultimately. No matter what my mind tells me. I know this in my heart, but my head needs to believe it as well.
I think I may becoming closer to letting go, to grieving for once instead of ignoring things. Earlier in the post I was going to point out that at least I am not an Ostrich, sticking my head in the sand, but isn’t that what I have been doing all along? This is something that has honestly occured to me as I was writing. It’s funny because that is exactly the thought, the realization that has eluded me for years. I need some time to sort this through.
Yesterday was Trista’s birthday and it is getting harder and harder to imagine what she would be like today. Every birthday, every anniversary that passes pushes me further and further away from that time. It is sad. It is tragic, but it is not something that makes me angry anymore. It hurts. A lot. This too is something I must examine further. I guess I have a lot of issues to sort through. The answer has created more questions…typical.