I am going home to visit my family tomorrow…just me, no kids. I am taking some breathing space, some re-charge time before Shane starts this new job. Then it’s back to the whirlwind of busyness until we move to Edmonton in the fall (should that all work out, but that is another story). We were sad to close his construction business, but this new job means more security and freedom as well. Once again, I am grateful for Shane stepping in and working at the store when I need a break. 🙂 I love and appreciate him so much!! I only spent a day or so in High Prairie in the summer, and that was not even near enough time to visit with all of the people I wanted to.
It has been hard lately…I have been fighting anxiety once again. I am not depressed, or really even down, just overwhelmed. We have done so much in the last couple of years that I think I did not even have time to process it all. I just kept going and going and now I am near burned out, just when the really stressful stuff is starting to ease off. There was a lot to deal with: kids (mine and his), ex’s that never seem to go away, starting a business (mine and his), building a house, trying to fit in a new town, getting loans, mortgages, grief, baggage, illness, and last but not least Theresa’s new baby. WOW! How have we kept it all straight? Now that I have thoroughly talked myself into this break I am getting pretty excited to go; I can feel the stress melting already…or maybe it’s just relief 😉
There is another reason I want to go and it has to do with closing a wound, saying goodbye (hopefully), and the beginning of some sort of closure in regards to the accident and death of my sister and her girls. I cannot move past a certain point in the grief cycle and it is getting really hard to deal with every other stress that has accumulated over the last few years because this is always in the forefront; it is always there haunting me. I am still struggling with post-traumatic stress. There are nightmares, irrational fears about loved ones dying in the same way, flashbacks (especially when driving), and constant, persistent feelings of dread and anxiety. Then there is the heavy, but fluttery feeling in my chest whenever I think about it all. I am past the point of shock (obviously), but I still do not cry! I used to throw up everytime I even came close to crying. That does not happen anymore, but I still do not cry…and that is not normal. It is just seriously not normal.
I have never been the type of person to surpress emotions. I usually let it all out and then get over it quite quickly, but not with this, and I am not sure why. I have a couple of theories, but none I want to discuss right now. All I know is this bottling up of my emotions, this surpression of my stresses has to stop. It has to stop before it begins to make me sick. It is part of the reason I began seeing a new therapist. He is very good and I am hopeful that with his (and God’s) I can grieve in a healthy way and find some peace.
Today is the anniversary of the accident and I am still no closer to letting it go than on the first anniversary. I want to be able to look at pictures and smile over the memory, instead, I do not look at pictures at all. I want to remember the good times, but the bad times keep overshadowing the good. I want to watch home movies without feeling lke it’s a horror film that I have watched over and over again knowing what tragedy awaits the characters. I want to lay them to rest finally, instead of being haunted by ghosts all of the time, through dreams, and through flashbacks. I want to look back at that time in my family with thankfulness for their existence, that brief era that was too short to be called their lives, especially Rissy, why God should a 6yr old have to die? I want to take the good they left behind and learn from it, instead of go over, and over the pointlessness of a tragic accident caused by selfishness and stupidity. I want to celebrate knowing them instead of ignoring this massive hole in my heart that I cannot even acknowledge, nevermind heal.