There are a few things I want to get off my chest. I want to rant, I want to rage, I want to feel sorry for myself, I want to grieve….this is all beginning to play out like some sort of medieval tragedy, or just a twisted farce about what life can do to a person.
Firstly, I am very afraid. Shane is sick! I am angry that he may have MS!! For two reasons: one, he does not deserve this! Especially after overcoming cancer!! Two: I am so flippin mad that just when everything is going great (for once) fate takes hold and delivers something else tragic I have to get used to. Fucking life is so unfair. I do not even want to talk about it right now.
Second, I am heartsick over not having anymore children. STILL. This feeling will not go away! I know I should be grateful for the two I have and that they are healthy, yada, yada….but seriously though, is there something wrong with my yearning for something that I cannot have? Is it just that? I want what I cannot have? That would mean I am spoiled and selfish, and I just do not believe that is what is wrong here. I have never wanted anything this badly…even law school.
Third, I am at the point where I have no wish to fight those who want to hurt me…I care not what they do with their lives and in a sort of gesture of closure, I guess, I have unblocked them all from my FB>I mean who cares right? Let them say what they want, let them try whatever they will. Who really cares. They have no bearing upon who is my real friend and who is not (let the Paige incident speak for itself), they have no control over what I do with my life, and they have no power over my emotions, thoughts or feelings anymore. I will not hide in a protected internet universe pretending they do not exist. I would rather face it all head on now…no hiding, no pretending, no gloves damn it! Yeah, sounds good….let’s get it over with and move on eh?