Where I am Going

These lingering feelings are interrupting my life…The kids have been up north less than a week and I miss them so much! I miss my parents too! I am feeling really homesick, but that’s not it. I wish I could go back and do this properly. Why did I surpress my emotions, why did I delay the natural course of things? Why did I hang on to the anger like it would somehow save me, or exempt me? I focused on it instead of dealing with the hurt and you know what? Hurt is winning. Every counsellor I have had since has ditched and I am starting to realize I am again having to go it alone, as always. At least I have Shane….my own personal psychologist  Actually, this is serious, and I must do something about this soon, I mean, I am trying and I keep going around and around all of the same stuff, and just sort of, stop when it starts to feel hurtful. It is all accumulating into something I cannot handle: the weird butterflies in my tummy, the feeling like I am choking or about to throw up, constant anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares. It has been a year now…..I cried today, well, I almost cried today. That is a start right?
 
 I am feeling inarticulate and inadequate right now…but at the same time desperate to get this out. I have to believe that all of this writing I have done over the years is doing some sort of good for me, otherwise why bother…..Right? I am not looking for advice, understanding perhaps, but I do not need anyone telling me what to do or how to feel when they have not lived through the events that I have or even perceive situations in the same way that I do. Well, maybe some advice on how to grieve properly would be good. I never have, you know. Everytime someone close to me died I just shut myself down, and ignored it. I would cry a little every now and then but I purposely distanced myself from all the pain…then eventually I began distancing myself from other people. I have done this for so long now that I am unsure of how to trust, how to give myself completely. Twenty-two years is a long time to carry crap around and maybe it is no wonder that I am feeling the strain. No, I do not consider myself a martyr…that is not it. A martyr suffers for a cause. I chose not to suffer emotionally, and now I am unable to do that anymore…that self-protective mode is no longer there for me to draw from. The well is empty. I am empty. I could always get up, go on, be stronger, fight harder, face it alone. I always wanted to face it alone! After all, trusting invites loss, does it not? Shane is sick…and I just had an awful thought…now that I am learning finally, what if I lose him too? That is a horrible thought and I just realized that it is NOT Shane I should trust in, it is God, and I fear that has been my biggest problem all along. I love Shane and whether we are together 30 years more or 30 minutes more, I have to trust God that He will take care of me. Shane has taught me a lot and I am grateful we found each other, it was a miracle we did, but strange too because there are so many times we could have crossed paths in the past. I guess we needed to find the right moment.
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