I was never the type of person to crave acceptance from any individual or social group. I have always had a strong sense of self and individuality. Why then, do I suddenly need acceptance? I feel something is lacking here….something is missing. I cannot quite name this thing or even catch a glimpse of what it may be through the hazy thoughts I have. Yes, I feel a bout of philisophical ponderings coming on.
Why, as humans, are we wired to need connections to other humans at all? Especially when we are taught that individuality and self-relience are the most sought after traits we can possess. It’s really a contradiction, is it not? Which is the trait we are to strive for then? Is one trait to be acquired at the expense of the others? Or are these traits meant to compliment each other in some way? Are there rules governing when we are supposed to seek connection with others and when to stand alone? I am confused here…… I guess I am so fixated on it because for the first time in my life I feel like I truly need someone, and I am not sure how to deal with that. Me, who has prized my abillity, above all else, to face life on my own. This "me" is now wondering where I belong. Suddenly, someone’s thoughts about me matter. It is changing the way I perceive other people as well, not a lot mind you, but it’s there.
Turning now to the other meaning of acceptance. How is it that some people can go gracefully through life accepting their fates, accepting the circumstances life doles out? I have seriously always wondered this as I am firmly entrenched in the "go down fighting" side of things. I have trouble accepting life changing events, death, or just generally circumstance beyond my control. Yes, call it a control freak thing, but is there more to it than that? I know people who can be labelled control freaks who still have the ability to accept their lot and vice versa. Yes, I know I am basically a "glass half empty" person who tends to see things from what could go wrong instead of anticipate what may go right. Actually, I have always despised those "glass half full people" for I have perceived them to be the sort who ignore reality. Yes, life can really suck and you do not know what lies around the next corner, so why pretend everything is going to be just fine when, in fact, it may not be? To me, that is a whole lot unrealistic! I find it easier to cope with things if I can somehow imagine what could go wrong and try to come up with some sort of solution so as not to be blindsided by it rather than go on my merry way thinking it is going to work out, and then…guess what? The rug is puilled out from beneath you! Call me a cynical bitch, but I have had a lot of reason over the years to see life in this light. Anyway, I do not see this as being negative and I will tell you why. A…you are not taken in too many times in your life. B…you have very honed problem solving skills and C….you are ten times more comforted and appreciative when things go right. I dare anyone to contradict my line of reasoning here. I am who I am, and if I was capable of changing my base personality I think I would have by now. On a side note; I believe happiness does not depend on whether or not you are a glass half full person, but rather, it depends on how THANKFUL you are of the things you do have and for the things that have gone right.
So anyhow, that brings me to my next point…the thing for which I am currently being ungrateful. I am still mired in the goo surrounding my depression over not actually being pregnant. I really thought I was and I was just getting used to the idea (I always believed I did not want anymore children), when I realized I was not, in fact, pregnant. It was then that I really began agonizing over the reality that Shane and I will never have kids together. I cannot move past this. I am angry and angry is giving way to a resigned sort of bitterness over the whole issue that I am not entirely sure I will be able to let go of…uhhh for reasons mentioned previously in this post. Where is this semi-traumatized, agonized, indecisive emotion stemming from? Is it to do with the biological clock we keep hearing about? Is it merely jealousy that someone else has shared something with the man I love that I will never be a part of? Is it more serious than that? I feel unhappy, and I feel sad. I feel like I am missing out on something grand and I am angry about it all. I feel angry that we did not meet sooner and I now have to deal with the mistakes of his past (as he does with my past). I feel angry that others, less worthy, in my opinion (think what you will over that one) are allowed to share the miracle of creating a child together. I feel petulant and ungrateful OH YES>I know I should be grateful that we have come so far with all of the kids and we have deposited something in their lives that is special as well as meaningful. I know that I should be grateful that I was around to help him with his kids (and he with mine), and that together we have more than childraising to look forward to. After all, how do people who cannot have children together get by? I know some adopt, but that is not the same. They must go through sort of the same thing I am right now.
It is almost like a death…but in a way more tragic because you do not even have the memories for comfort. I can almost hear people thinking that I am taking this way too seriously, but I do not feel that I am. So, what do I need? Do I need time? Should I give up? Should I just accept this as fact and be grateful for what I have and move on?…hmmm, really now? SO HOW DO I DO THAT THEN? That is why I began this post with my question of acceptance.