My parents came for Easter last Thursday and stayed until yesterday. It was a very good visit and I really wish they could have stayed longer. Either that or I wish that I did not live so bloody far away! It is hard living 1000km’s from home. I must remind myself though that I wanted this new start, but looking back now I wonder where I ever got the strength to leave? Desperation I suppose, or maybe not desperation exactly, but rather, knowing that I had no choice left. It was either leave or suffer with the consequences of staying.
Why this sudden need for introspection? Well, after an unfortunate series of events yesterday, I began to cry. I cried and cried and cried. I could not stop, and I could not even tell you why I was crying. I woke up this morning all puffy eyed, head pounding, and began all over again. It freaked me out and I was afraid that maybe I had fallen off the deep end here…I just could not take one more thing! I am tired. I am stressed. I am sad. Just maybe, I think that I have come to the end of my rope…better tie a knot eh? I have no will left. I care not one way or the other what happens next. There are things that I have been counting on for awhile now and it seems that I have given up on those as well.
After much thought though, I have come to realize that I did not make a mistake in moving here. I did make a mistake in ignoring that which I have kept hidden for so long. I have built a neat little fortress around my heart and I have guarded it religiously for far too long. I do not know how to accept help. I do not know how to accept love. All I have clung to is not enough anymore (suspicion, mistrust, fear). I am alone, not physically, but alone is alone after all. My facade, my fortress is crumbling. I am standing here on this last piece of fake rock debating on how to cross a deep chasm onto dry, solid ground where everyone else is. I need help. God please help me.