Ok fine, I knew I needed to deal with the issues surrounding my sister’s death and reach some sort of closure, but now I am convinced that I truly need help. I am haunted by her, she is always there. I dream about it constantly and I am growing more agitated about not being able to lay some issues to rest before she died. That is not to say that I do not miss the rest of the girls, I do, very much! Though taken together, the tragedy was more than I could bear, so I only focused on one person, one aspect of the accident at a time. I mostly put my feelings aside and tried to help my parents and my kids. Then I just pushed it away…but it was always there, though I did not dwell on it. Thank God that I was able to move away from Driftpile and the life I had there before the accident happened. I do not know how I would have survived it had I been living there at the time.
All this delayed feeling has culminated into a suppressed nightmare. It’s in the forefront at night when I dream, and in the shadows when I am awake. I have, over the course of these three years, slowly realized that I do not know how to deal with my grief. I am admitting that I am not strong enough to deal with it on my own. Last night I had another dream, and in that dream she came to my store just as I was closing up. God allowed her to come and talk to me because I was so upset and depressed over not being able to talk to her before she died. I told her I was sorry for everything that happened. We were hugging and I was crying, I mean really sobbing, and all I remember is her saying that she cannot look at me. I kept asking her why and she said, a bit forcefully, “Ronda! I just can’t”. I am not sure what that means exactly, but I think that even in my dream there is a chasm between us, even there, where the impossible can happen, we are still separated. I was hurting so much and she was trying to comfort me, but there was no way she could because everything was still there between us. I am not sure if it was my own feelings that I do not deserve her talking to me, or if it was the fact that she had not forgiven me. But why would she come to me if if she had not forgiven me?
Why would I dream something like that? I cannot even talk to my mom about it….she no longer has the patience to deal with the whole mess and I feel alone. Shane tries to help me, but he does not know what to say to me to ease the tortured thoughts I have, and my inability to lay this to rest, to lay her to rest, is a constant source of stress. I keep going back over the same things and nothing gets resolved!! The truth is: nothing can ever get resolved because it’s too late! My mind refuses to believe this so it keeps trying to comprehend the situation and sort it out…a futlile attempt, but an attempt notheless. So who has an answer? Is there some magic answer that will allow me to lay this matter to rest once and for all? I would seriously like to know right about now.