Waiting, waiting for my house to sell, waiting for my life to begin. I am getting married soon. Someone once told me that I should wait for at least two years before jumping in again. Good advice….it has taken that long to really get to know Shane and his kids. We have been through a lot these past two years and I am certain we can handle whatever comes our way, with God’s help. There’s nothing like crisis and stress to bring out the "real" personality of those you love, as well as yourself. I know all of his little bad habits, his shortcomings and he knows all of mine. Let’s face it…those who know me know I have a wild temper and can be a tad controlling at times (a tad, you say??), but Shane is maddeningly calm about pretty much everything…oh, I can ruffle his feathers, but for the most part he keeps me grounded and I keep him motivated. I am a doer and he is a dreamer.
Admittedly though, this is not where I saw myself two years ago when I moved here…so much has changed. I never wanted to own a business, but here I am. I was not sure I could ever trust another human being again, but I am learning. I am scarred and that is something I have had to face as well. I somehow thought that I could leave everything behind when I moved here, but that has not been the case. It has been difficult. Hurts from my old realtionship led, without my realizing, to severe trust issues. You just get into a habit of needing to be ready for the next bad thing that is going to happen so that you are not caught off guard….looking around corners, dissecting comments, and examining every detail for discrepancies or hidden agenda. Its sad that I became that cynical and mistrusful…but I am trying to change and look at things for what they are instead of what they MIGHT mean.
I am paranoid, mostly of death and dying. About a month after the accident I bought a cell phone so my kids would know where I was all of the time, and I hardly ever left them for a year. Then, when we moved here, it became necessary for them to be away from me when they made trips to visit their father and family up north. It was fine for awhile, but I have since become increasingly more paranoid of them getting hurt or dying. I am afraid all of the time. I sit here at work and wonder if they got home from school okay or semi-freak out when they want to go for a walk with their friends. We live in a really small town where everyone knows everyone else and theres NO CRIME, but here I am afraid for them every single day. I know there is a term for these feelings and it is called post-traumatic stress syndrome, but knowing that does not help! I have also begun to have nightmares recently. About my family who died, about people dying. Just awful things. They say everyone grieves differently and I know the trauma of the accident is still with me, even after all this time. I have tried to put it away and forget about it, and I have tried to move away and start a new life so I would not have to think about my old one. But slowly it has crept up on me….through the paranoia and dreams, and I am not sure how to get past it. I look at everything differently now. Things that I never gave a thought to before are somehow now the most important thing. I have separated my life into two sections, before and after, and I am constantly comparing the two. I feel like I should have come to some kind of closure with the court case being over, but I have not. I cry or feel like crying all of the time. It was awful to lose that many family members all at once, but I also lost a husband, a way of life, and a community at the same time….everything I knew before was suddenly gone and I felt like a refugee. My hometown did not feel like home to me anymore and I was set adrift, forced to find a new way of life. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!!! I have had to pick up and move on. Physically I have, but emotionally I have not. I have not let go and I do not want to! I must find some way to reconcile the two lives together. Shane was not with me when all of this happened. I met him 7 months after the accident…and it is hard for him too for he had nothing from his own life with which to compare. He has had hardships, but they were different from mine. He loves me even though he does not fully understand me. I know this. I am not sure of much else is this life right now.