And So On And So On….

 

Anger so dark and terrifying grips my mind and will not let it go. It invites, no begs me to join it, drawing me ever deeper into blackness with every thought. I fight against it but something holds me back from letting it go. I contemplate striking out, not willing to let things lie, goaded once again into climbing back in the ring for another round. Hit harder, damage the other beyond repair, beyond their ability to get back up and hurt you.

 

No-one will win in this futile attempt at convincing myself or the world that my side is right and theirs is not. I know that. But fighting with someone else is easier than fighting with ghosts of the past. You know the ones: regrets, and open wounds that have not been allowed to heal. Festering by hanging on to anger and indignance; wrapping myself in that comfortably numb blanket is better than facing the pain….

 

Instead of facing reality I continue to focus on all those wrongs against me. This hate directed toward me, but what does the other side consist of? Those others who believe that I wronged them. What is their side of the story? Would I even listen? What is their motive? When will this end? How can I walk away? I have physically, but not emotionally, and certainly not mentally. For the good of myself and my current relationships, I must find a way to climb out of this hole I have allowed myself to slip down into.

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