So I wrote out this really long blog yesterday that sounded vengeful and unforgiving. Today I deleted it….I could not leave it there. Not because of what others may think, but because I know I want to be a better person than that. I spent the day with a lady I just met and at the end of our time together she described me as happy. It really got me thinking about what part of me I want to win in this war that has been going on inside of me for about four years now. Part of me is happy, very happy. Part of me is still grieving. Part of me is angry. I know I have previously written about forgiveness and letting go, but it is not as easy as saying it. It takes time, as everything worthwhile takes time.
I may have also lied to myself recently, about a couple things. I thought that I could start a new life, a new relationship, and not let anything negative from the old life affect me. Was I ever wrong. When you do not deal with previous issues they have a way of coming back to haunt you, even though it has nothing to do with the present situation…..it is called baggage. It hurts, it is confusing, and above all it is unfair to the person you are with. Luckily, I have met a wonderful and understanding man who is also, thankfully, patient while I sort this out. I also believed that a new relationship means that certain things should be the same as they were before…which sort of makes the term "new" quite redundant. This man LOVES me, and he is in love with me, which is more than I have ever had. It is also more than I ever hoped to receive. Let me explain….when I first thought about dating again I was worried. I was almost certain that I could never find anyone who would understand the life I have lived….imagine the most outrageous episodes of "Days of Our Lives" and you may catch a glimpse of what I mean. I thought that no-one could possibly look past all of this and take me as I was. I was also wrong about that. ***Hey, a breakthrough….the control freak can now admit when she is wrong!!
I do not have all of the answers, and I do not even know all of the questions, but I think I am making progress.