I am feeling broken today….a real and profound sense of loss. I do not know where this feeling is coming from. I just cannot get my emotions under control. Nothing has happened recently to warrant this feeling that I may burst into tears any second.
Well, I have been really angry a lot lately, about things I cannot change and things that I thought were long over. The people I thought I deserved to be angry with still somehow have a hold on me because of that anger. When I moved here, I thought it was over and I left all of the contention, strife, and heartache behind me….I thought I had forgiven. I was not. Even. Close. Since I have moved here, all of these feelings of rage have been building up inside of me. I have dwelt on past wrongs and circumstances that I could not control. I have railed against the turn of events and all I have lost. I have wanted justification more than I have wanted peace, in my heart, and between me and my enemies.
But I found out yesterday that perhaps my enemies have a different perspective, on the past, as well as the present, than I do. Maybe there was suffering all around. I truly believed that the things they did and said to me a year ago should be avenged. I wanted them to hurt as much as they hurt me. But now I have realized that their lives have moved on and they have faced struggles much the same as mine. I have also come to realize that I had something that they did not, something that gave me courage and hope. I have God. He has helped me through and enabled me to move past the anger and betrayal, and embrace a new life.
There is residue left behind that I know I must deal with and I have made many mistakes. But it was faith that was the difference and the only bottom line. Its funny, I am listening to internet radio right now and there is a line from one of the songs that goes like this “are you comfortable with the pain?” Maybe I have been just that. Maybe it just got to be this security blanket that covered me and I did not want to let it go because then I would have to find out who I am without it, without that part of me that could say “look, YOU did this to me!” I have been contending with these people for 14years, just like the G’N’R song.
Perhaps much of the fighting was done with ghosts of who I believed these people were because my vision of them was so coloured, so clouded. It was all this big competition for so long over who would win my sister, her family or her in-laws. But now she and the girls are dead, what does it matter?? Why should it still be this big competition? WTF??? That is so sad. They are gone, as am I. I am now away from that situation, for I have left it behind, and I need never go back there again. There is no real reason for me to keep on struggling. None of it matters and nothing will change if I continue to let this anger and indignation control me. The only purpose it can serve is to make me feel worse.
I have now realized that they are not this evil entity that I built up in my mind these long years, they are not even the enemy anymore. They are nothing to me. Maybe they wanted to hurt me because they were hurting too. And that is all there is to it. Maybe I should pray for them instead of thinking about justification and vindication. I think I finally turned that corner now, either let it go or be destroyed by bitterness. I choose life, healing and forgiveness.