So I woke up this morning sicker than…hmmmmmm… damp, week old gym clothes I guess. Does not get much worse than this I’ll tell you that. And! To top it off, I had to drive Shane to the bus depot in Slave Lake last night and watch him leave. *sighs* I will miss him terribly until we see each other again. Being apart is soooo hard! It sure makes me thankful for the time we do spend together though. Thank God for the internet and telephone!!
Yes….I am in love! Very much so. It is an absolute miracle to find another person who understands you, knows your good qualities, bad qualities and loves you anyway. This is the man I was waiting for…and it was so worth the wait. I feel like I found a missing piece of me.
There are all kinds of things running through my head right now. I am at an intersection. One way points to the road I have come down, it has ended, I cannot go that way anymore. The other way points to a new life. I am making my way there right now. I have a few more things to lay to rest and say goodbye to…and then I will be free to go that way, and every day brings me closer to you Shane. I love you so much!!!!!
I want to build a new foundation, one that cannot be shaken apart. I have learned from my mistakes and heartaches. I now KNOW what to do…I now KNOW what is really important. I do not want to carry old issues with me. I need to leave those behind, forever. Yeah, leaving the past behind is a difficult thing to do. I used to define myself by what I had experienced, believing that I had to hang on to what was because I might lose myself somehow if I let it all go. I do not believe that anymore. You take the good things, learn from the bad, and then you just, sort of, leave it there and go on.
Tonite though, I feel like crying. The grief sometimes overwhelms me. It has all sunk in now. My sister and my nieces are gone for good, for the rest of this life. Tonite I am lost in memories of the person who was my best friend. The best birthday present I ever received. I am remembering all of the fights, the long midnight talks, the co-conspiracy of doing something behind our parents’ backs. I am remembering living a few steps away from her…..raising our children together, suppers together, volunteering at the school, vacations, holidays, homework, shopping trips, and idle time spent doing nothing. I remember phoning her at least 3 times a day for almost no real reason. Jumping in the car and going to Edmonton, just because. Taking the kids to the lake, and to church every Sunday. There are so many memories, and I am finally letting myself remember them. I am not burying it all anymore. I am saying goodbye, ending a story, crying for what I have lost. It was too much to deal with at once and the pressure of it just builds up until you have no choice but to stop and let some of it go. I know I will never be over this but every day that goes by is another day farther away from that life, that time, and that is a tragic thought all by itself. Which brings me right back where I began this entry…you take the good, leave the bad, and go on, thankful for the experience.
I need to find some peace of mind………..instead of giving it all away
I need to save me………….instead of reaching out from my own sinking ship
I need to love me………instead of finding self worth in anothers gratitude
I need to renew my strength……instead of letting my well run totally dry
I need to take care of me now. Now, not tomorrow. I am worth it……
It is not selfish, or something to be ashamed of.
This crazy Life……
So my Grandfather passed away on September 3 while I was away visiting. The funeral was yesterday in Peavine, where he spent most of his life. I was very saddened by this loss because I was so close to him all of my life. I was the first Grandchild and spoiled completely rotten. I was practically raised by him and my Grandmother until I was 7. I knew he was sick for the last while but I just could not bring myself to go and visit very often because it is so hard to watch someone you love die. And, I just didn’t want to face another death so soon after my sister and my nieces. People kept telling me I would feel guilty for not going to see him, but I do not feel guilty. I did go last Thursday, the night before I left for my trip. I only stayed for about an hour, but it was awful, he looked so different, nothing like himself. I sort of knew it would be the last time when I was there and that made it even harder. I am actually glad that I get to remember him the way he always was. The only bright spot in the whole affair was seeing family that live quite far away, but then, thats always the way right?
I was asked to write the eulogy, which I considered a great honour. So I stayed up all of Friday night getting to know the elders in the family and hearing stories about my Grandfather. It was almost like hearing about a whole different person. It was an awesome experience that I would not trade for anything. I am still really worn out from that. I mean, staying up all night is not a big deal, but it is when you are trying to accomplish something as emotional as that. I stayed awake through the funeral, the dinner afterwards, and then the private family gathering. I finally fell asleep at about 11pm last night. With all that behind me, the next thing on the agenda now is starting school….tomorrow, I promise.