Oct 3, ’06 – Nov 13, ’06

November 13

Seasons Change

Seasons change. It is inevitable. I am not referring here to the weather, what I mean is that our lives are constantly evolving, changing with each new experience. Some are for the better, some are not, but every life is a story filled with circumstances that shape our character, and indeed, define who we are. Every life bears the mark of the particular path each of us has chosen. For it is the way we choose to respond in each situation that determines the next turn our lives will take.

Almost all people have looked back at a certain event in their lives and wondered if it may have been changed if they had only done something differently. After all, it is human to second guess ourselves, especially in the face of regret. But I believe that each experience has the potential to build character in us, yes, even the mistakes. If we choose to learn from our mistakes or use it to turn around and help someone else, then that experience has just served to be a positive instead of a negative. God does not make bad things happen to you, but I believe that he allows things to come your way in order to strengthen you for what else may lie ahead, or to help another person in the hope that if you can go through this, then so can they.

When something truly awful happens to us, and our lives are changed forever in an instant, sometimes it seems like the only way to cope is to hang on to what was. That is an understandable reaction, for sure. But there will come a time when it will be necessary to just let go. It hurts, it kills even to think that way! But the alternative, I believe, is far worse. For example, when you cut yourself, your body begins the process of healing by clotting the blood and then slowly closing the wound with a scab until finally a new layer of skin grows and the scab falls off, revealing a perhaps scarred, but healed area. So too is it with our own lives. Allowing yourself to heal is necessary. It may seem like you can hold on to the way things were if you just keep that pain inside of you, or even if you have denied yourself actually feeling it. But in the end it will catch up with you and you will have to face your new reality and then, you will have to decide if this experience is going to build you up, or destroy you. Letting go and moving on does not mean you are forgetting forever this experience, or even that you are denying it has happened. What it does mean is that you are bruised, but not broken. You have fallen, but you have gotten back up.

Life goes on, it has to. We cannot stop it, or slow it down. But everyone has, at one time or another, wished they could! These experiences are seasons in our lives, and they do change, as we must. It would be wonderful to have summer forever, but then harvest would never come. "To every thing there is a season, and a time and purpose under heaven," this is from Ecclesiastes chapter 3 (the Bible).

November 01

We’ll Carry On

I thought that I was past the psychotic, angry, confused part. Since I saw my family video and looked at the funeral pictures, I have realized that I am not even close. Once again, My Chemical Romance has the song for that….

Welcome To The Black Parade

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.

He said, "Son when you grow up,
would you be the saviour of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?"
He said "Will you defeat them,
your demons, and all the non believers,
the plans that they have made?"
"Because one day I’ll leave you,
A phantom to lead you in the summer,
To join The Black Parade."

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, "Son when you grow up,
would you be the saviour of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?"

Sometimes I get the feeling she’s watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.
And when you’re gone we want you all to know.

We’ll carry on,
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And in my heart I can’t contain it
The anthem won’t explain it.

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back
Let’s shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call

To carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears
Ooh oh ohhhh
Disappointed faces of your peers
Ooh oh ohhhh
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all

Do or die, you’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you’ll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
I won’t explain or say I’m sorry
I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it’s who we are
I’m just a man, I’m not a hero
Just a boy, who had to sing this song
Just a man, I’m not a hero
I! don’t! care!

We’ll carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on

Do or die, you’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you’ll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)

Do or die, you’ll never make me (We’ll carry on)
Because the world will never take my heart (We’ll carry on)
Go and try, you’ll never break me (We’ll carry)
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)

October 23

A New Plan

Have you ever thought, at the beginning, that you would have it so easy, that there really is no challenge in this thing you have started?? Yeah, that is exactly how I felt about Athabasca University courses. I know, it sounds trite compared to all of the other things that have happened in my life recently, but the truth is…I have just been kicked in the ass again. There is way more work to these courses than I originally anticipated! I am forced to admit,yet again, that I am facing something that I am out of my depth in dealing with.

The grim reality is, I am behind… and I was starting to get more than a little paranoid in the last few days about how I am going to accomplish taking 15 courses in 8 months. I now know it is impossible. I may have set my goals too high, or maybe it is just that I am such a different person than I was before. I fear that the part of me that could take on any challenge is gone forever. I was a single-minded, determined, defiantly confident individual. And it would make me all the more determined when someone told me I could not do something.

That is the part that I am afraid is gone. Will it ever come back? I do not know. I know that I have gotten back up, dusted myself off, and kept going after the hell of the last two years. I know that getting up was the important part, finding the courage to face life again instead of hiding. I have done that, but there is something missing in me. It is the fighting spirit that I have carried with me all of my life, the same spirit that has helped me face anything that came my way. The part of me that enabled me to look past all of the impossible things to what I knew I could become, what I could do.

But now, I am changed. I am humbled. I am fragile. I am unsure of myself. For the first time ever. I do not like this feeling. I need to find my confidence. I need to find my will. I need to find my direction. I know that has to be a completely different direction. I have found a wonderful man that I love very much and that is a start. I know he is my future. I have also decided to just do what I can with school and not get too stressed about it. As for the rest, it will come. Healing does not happen in an hour, or a day, or even in this brief 9 months. I have my faith, and that is what has gotten me this far, I know it will not fail me.

October 05

Today is the day!!

So, I am leaving today to spend Thanksgiving with Shane and his family. I am sooo excited I can hardly sit still!! Even though that is exactly what I will be doing on the 15hr bus ride! I have never gone that far on the Greyhound before and it should be an interesting experience. I love my children and I will miss them…..but damn! Do I ever need a break. Gotta go……gonna be busy all day!!

October 03

Some Advice

I have started Athabasca University courses this term and it has been an altogether different experience. I have tutors instead of profs and I work at my own pace. I know I made the right decision in turning down Law School at this point in my life though. I cannot imagine actually living in Edmonton right now. Anyway, Its been tough to get truly motivated these last few weeks with all of the recent life-changing events of September. What else is new eh? I think people would be totally shocked if something monumental DID NOT occur in my life at least every couple of months!!! LOL>> So you know, I just go with it and know that this too shall pass……

In fact, along that very line, I began a little game a few years ago. Just a little something to help keep me from jumping off the deep end into the the dark abyss of insanity. Its called "It Could Be Worse." How it works is this: Anytime something bad happens, like anything out of your control, instead of freaking out about what is happening, you just think about how the situation could possibly be worse. Believe me, no matter what happens, it seriously could be worse! (For a comprehensive list of bad things that can happen, see below) It sounds corny right? Actually, it isnt. It works because it is based on a principle that never fails to force a person to realize what they DO have… instead of what they may have just lost. It is called thankfulness and there are always things to be thankful for, even in your darkest moments. Something to ponder. Something to try. It is, after all, Thanksgiving season……in Canada anyway.

 

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