Dec 1, ’06 – Jan 28, 2007

January 28

Life in Foremost

So I finally got hooked to the net yesterday and when I went online to check my email today it took over an hour just to sort through the one address! **you have 103 new msgs in your inbox** My computer also needed a billion updates and I desperately need virus software as mine subscription to Panda ran out on the 17th. Other than that it went ok.

Been checking out the area in the past couple of weeks and its a really great place to live. Theres a lot of history in southern AB as well as quite a few places of interest I have not visited. Taber is 45 min away, Lethbridge is an hour as is Medicine Hat. Plus, spring comes earlier here and summer lasts longer…I could sure get used to that!

There are a few drawbacks however….such as the rattlesnakes, antelope and the flat, treeless landscape that just goes on forever. Oh yes and the wicked wind spells that just seem to come outta nowhere!! We took the kids swimming in Taber the other week and it started snowing on the drive home. Well a few flakes did not seem too bad…. until the wind kicked up. Then it sure got scary! With the flat landscape and wind mixed together I felt like I had wandered into a prairie storm straight from "Anne of Green Gables." The wind was howling and you could not even see four feet in front of the car!! You know…the kinda storms people get lost in and are never to be heard from again…..

Anyhow, its been stressful settling in and getting into a routine. Its been a great experience so far though and everyone in this little town is so friendly. Its really peaceful here and while its been a bit stressful moving so far away, I am so glad I made the move.

January 20

The Anniversary

Today marks the anniversary of the car accident that changed my family forever. One year ago today my sister Misty (28), her step-daughter Michelle (13), and her daughters Trista (9) and Larissa (6) were travelling to Slave Lake from Driftpile for a shopping trip. At about 5:20pm a man named Raymond Yellowknee collided with their car while attempting to flee police in a stolen vehicle. He was drunk and high. The only one to survive the accident was Larissa. She was transported to Edmonton with critical injuries. She passed away the following day surrounded by her family. I am grateful for the chance we had to say good-bye to them all through Larissa, for without that it would have been unbearable. My sister had 3 other children left at home that day. Her son Shaidon (19 months), Draiden (3 months old), and a step-daughter Danielle (12).

In that moment, everything in my world changed. Even a year later it is still extremely difficult to handle. It is only now that everything is really becoming real and I am able to face it and grieve. It was just too horrible to contemplate, so part of me just shut down until I could deal with it. It is the same for Christopher and Rebecca. Even being 1000km away does not make this any easier…I feel angry! I feel like shutting out the world and not talking to anyone! I feel like screaming and beating my fists on something because being angry is so much better than feeling the pain of this. I am so grateful I have Shane to help us through this because I am so fractured and broken right now, and he just accepts my wild moods and gently helps me through them.

For I knew today, this anniversary of the accident, was going to be horrible no matter what we did. I have dreaded its coming. Yesterday was worse because it was on a Friday the accident happened. I was so angry for the past 2 days….so horribly angry at the unfairness of life, for all of the things I have lost, for the pain my children have had to deal with, and for the fact that the boys and Dani have no mother now!!! For many things. So I spent today going through a bunch of pictures and scanning them for my online album. I also bought 4 heart-shaped helium balloons and wrote all their names on them. Then I took the kids to the edge of town where we let them go. As we watched them float up into the heavens and out of sight, I thought to myself that we may be just a little bit closer to letting them go. After that we went to the grocery store, and it was at the moment the accident happened exactly a year ago that the song "I’ll be missing you" by Puff Daddy came on while we were wandering the isles. It was so fitting and so perfect that I began to cry. I did not even care that I was in public. I just let the song comfort me, for I know that next time it will be forever. I do not want to wait that long to see my sisters face (and the girls), but I must.

December 01

Moving on

I cannot believe it is December already! I am moving out of High Prairie (for good) to a little town called Foremost in exactly 31 days!!! I am excited, but at the same time, I am a little scared. I think it may be the unknown, the not being quite sure what I will find (or even do) when I arrive. I guess the control freak part of me still wants to know every single detail of what my life will be like there. But that is just not realistic…..for anyones life. You just do not know what is around that next corner and some things I think you just have to take by faith.

I know one thing is for sure. I need a new life. As I have mentioned before, nothing is the same anymore. Nothing ever will be and the only thing to do now is accept that as fact and then just pick up and move on. I am aware that sounds like a terrible cliche, but it is true. If I am going to start over again, everything has to be completely different, I need to leave the old life behind and begin another. At least now I have direction, I may not have the whole picture but I know that moving is the right thing to do. I love Shane so very much and I want to start my life over with this wonderful man. He is the best thing that could have possibly happened to me at this time in my life.

I choose to look at this as an adventure!! Who ever began an adventure knowing just what was going to take place??? If that was the case then many amazing stories would never have been written. Yes, it is a new chapter in my life that is unwritten and waiting for me……………

 

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