May 14, ’06 – May 25 ’06

May 25

Today

Well today was a sad, but good day. We remembered my niece Trista today because it was her birthday and she would have been 10. My daughter Rebecca was really moody about it all day so I let her stay home from school and we made a CD of all the songs that reminded her of Trista. It has been over 4 months and it is not really any easier yet. Time is supposed to heal, but it seems to be going by so slowly.

My job hunt isn’t going any better. I have applied EVERYWHERE and it seems like nothing is really out there right now, pretty sad for a town that is supposed to be growing. I could work at a number of places that pay low but I am not willing to settle for that. So wait until something good comes along is my only option I guess.

OH ya! The Oilers lost to Anaheim tonite. 6-3. They could have kicked them out in 4 straight tonite and been off to the Stanley Cup Finals, but that is not to be. Their 7 game winning streak is now over and it’s off to Cali to try to get it back on sat now. It’s gonna be tough to win in that arena, but I am hoping they will!!!!

May 17

Goin to cali!!

The Oilers kicked major ass tonite!!!! 2-0 and San Jose is HISTORY. Now we are off to Anaheim to play the Ducks for the Western Conference finals. This is the first time since ’92 they’ve made it this far and I am soooo gonna make it a priority to get tickets 4 this series. I don’t care if I have to camp out at the staduim and deal with scuzzy scalpers to get them, or spend all my rent $, sell my kids’ toys or collect bottles, I wanna go!!!]

May 15

Where to go from here

I try to write something in here that will affect people, make them think, give others a glimpse of life in someone else’s shoes. I like writing and I always have. I’ve thought about what it would be like to make an actual career out of it somehow. I would not, however, write a pointless romance novel. I am not sure what I would write, but all I know is that it makes me happy and thats a start.

Motivation is today’s key word here. Finding that little spark of hope that enables you to get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. I think it begins with building a new dream. Starting again, not at the beginning, but from where the old dream left off. I cannot go back to who I was before. I have to move forward knowing that I have matured since then and what did not work before, did not work for a reason, and so now I have to find a new reason to get up in the morning…..til that time I will dream up new ideas and maybe see possibilities instead of endless darkness where a future should be.

May 14

Nothings fair!!!!!!

My sister, I MiSS U SO MUCH tonite!! Why did you die before I could say all I needed to say? Life isn’t fair!!! Nothing is fair! I prayed to God this whole year believing that everything would work out. I miss you, you were my best friend. Not too long ago you would be the person I would turn to with this kind of problem, but now I don’t have you. We told each other everything once upon a time. Life is full of regrets and lessons we must learn but I wish I knew why I am still here and you are not. Michelle, I miss you so much!! Everytime I saw you, you were so shy and so beautiful. I met you when you were 8 months old and I fell in love you with right away because you went through so much as a baby and I just wanted to help you any way I could, even driving to Edmonton in the middle of the night for you, well for your dad to pick you up. I miss you, you were an awesome girl who was about to become a young woman, I so much wanted to see u grow up!!! I will always remember the way you cared for others. Trista!!!! I miss you soooooo much!!! We had the same personality. You know, so stubborn, independent, and confident. I know we clashed because of it, but you were so much like me that it scared me!!! Your mom even asked me one time: "Why do I have to raise you? Why couldn’t you raise you?" Your mom was so unlike me, so gentle and calm, and level-headed. I knew you and knew what you felt like inside. You were special and I love you forever!!! Rebecca misses you so much, you were more like her sister than her cousin and she wants to see you again so bad!! And everyone wanted to be as full of life as you were, especially that crazy, over-do it laugh you had!!! Larissa, you were my baby, I called you baby til the day you died!!! Remember when I said you could come and live with me when your mom was pregnant with Shaidon? I said you could be my baby because your mom wouldnt have time for you anymore and so you asked your mom if you could and your mom got so mad at me? I loved you SOOOOOO Much and I miss you more than I could ever say…….I will miss you everyday of my life, you were my baby. Even when I saw you the week b4 you died and you painted me some pictures and told me you loved me. I will keep those 4ever!!!!! I love you and I wish I knew why God let you hang on for another day making us hope you would make it. But, you know baby, I’m so glad you got to take all the messages to your mommy and your sisters for us all. I love you and I just want everyone to make it there to see you all again. I will never forget you all, I don’t want anyone to ever forget you all !!!! EVER!!! I can’t believe your gone. I don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing you’ll never be here again. I just know that "next time it will be forever". I love you all 4ever. I never knew that life could be so hard and cruel and I pray for your Daddy/Husband everyday cuz I know that as hard as this is for me, it’s worse for him!!!! Pray for him in heaven please!!!!

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