March 21, ’06 – May 12, ’06

May 12

It’s lookin up…

K, so I just got my marks back and I got three A’s and a B this semester!! I’m sooooo relieved it’s over. I had to catch up on like three months of work in just under three weeks. It was brutal, but it paid off. I am thinking about finishing off my degree through Athabasca U. Just a thought, I could work from home so thats a definite plus. I am majoring in History and minoring in Political Science. After that I would definitely go for my Master’s. I decided to take a couple weeks off before I look for a job.

So I’ve been lazying around here for the last three days and it’s great!! Reading pointless novels, watching movies and, of course, listening to the OILERS kick butt!!! Things are getting a bit better, I still feel like my life is never gonna be the same but I am learning to cope. My family is forever going to be different, but I guess we just have to learn to accept things as they come and always look for the positives in our life even when it seems like there just aren’t any. I am not ready to move on yet, but that will come, sometime.

May 08

Gotta face reality

Priority #1 this week, look for a job!! University doesn’t pay off until you actually graduate and a summer job is totally necessary. I wish I could laze around this summer, damn do I ever need a break! You know how life just seems so certain sometimes and you just know exactly what you are doing and where you are going? Well, this is not one of those times. I had a plan!! I had a goal, but that has changed so much in the last couple of months. What’s worse is that I don’t have much of a will anymore….I feel beaten down by life.

I’ve always had a plan, a dream that kept me going, but this time I don’t. Too much has happened that has changed that dream and made it impossible right now. My friends keep telling me to make a new plan, but it’s not that simple. I need to be able to answer certain questions before I make a new plan. What is my destiny? Why am I still here? Who am I? These are questions I thought I knew the answer to, but maybe my answers were not the right ones. I am lost right now and I need to find my way. I’m out of contol and that’s a bad position for a control freak to be in. I need to start over at the beginning and do things right this time. The problem is, I just don’t know what those things are yet. In the meantime, I have to find a job. For now. Gotta get used to living for right now I guess…….

May 06

I miss them too!

On January 20, 2006, my sister and three of her children passed away in a car accident. I wish that I could rewind time and go back because there was soooo much I wanted to say to her, and now I can’t because it’s too late!!! I think we all wish we could go back, but there’s no rewind. My life is never going to be the same again, I’ve slipped into a twilight zone and it’s never going to go away…SHELDON! I know you hurt!! I know your life has been ripped apart and your heart is broken. I know that I’m not feeling anywhere near as much pain as you are!! But my family is broken too!! There’s only me, Chris, Rebecca, Ryan and his baby that we never see! Misty and the girls are gone and there’s only the boys and Dani left. I am only writing to you on here bcuz you know I don’t dare write anything on your space.

I finished school finally, but so what? I decided to turn down law school, cuz how can I leave right now? I feel like I have no direction, no future. Everything is so scary and different. I don’t know what to do. So here’s a song from me to u Misty…. It’s "Blind" by Lifehouse

I was young, but I wasn’t niave

I watched helpless as you turned around to leave

And still I have the pain I have to carry

A past so deep that even u could not bury if u tried

(chorus)

After all this time

I never thought we’d be here

Never thought we’d be here

When my love for you was blind

But I couldn’t make u see it

couldn’t make u see it

That I loved u more than you’ll ever know

A part of me died, when I let u go

I would fall asleep

Only in hopes of dreaming

That everything would be like it was before

But nites like this it seems are slowly fleeting

They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

(Chorus)

April 23

Finals begin this week!!

I am so screwed, as usual!! Gotta stay up all nite to pull this one off! History final in the morning….The course is Canadian History from Confederation to Present, Yayyy. I just couldn’t concentrate for the last 3 months since my life fell apart. Ya, just when I feel like I can get it together, the semester is over. Anyhow, I’m still getting used to writing in this blog thing. How personal does one get with strangers? I could write in here like its a diary. My life is definitely gossipworthy and boasts the calibre of even the most addicting soaps, still though, a person has to be careful when leaking info that could potentially be used as blackmail later on when I might actually become somebody. Just a thought…

March 21

Life

Life is what you make it. If you never take any risks, then you’ll probably have with no real hardships, but no real accomplishments either. Mistakes can be regretted or learned from. Someone recently taught me that you don’t need to answer to anyone because no-one knows who you are until they have been where you have been, experienced what you have experienced, and faced the choices you have to make.

 

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