June 7, ’06 – June 30, ’06

June 30

I’m Off…

Well we are off to camp this week!!! My kids are so excited to go, but at the same time they are sad too because Trista and Larissa won’t be there this year.  I love my kids and they have had it so tough for almost 2 years now. I wish I could take all of their pain away. I would gladly feel it for them even if it were harder for me. I guess that’s what being a parent is though. Sometimes I feel so alone because I am really all they have. I still struggle with doing this all by myself. It’s kinda scary knowing that if I really screw up, it’s all my fault. This is the one thing I don’t want to fail at. I am thankful for the way we have bonded over the last year and a half though. Going through their dad leaving made that worth it. I never want to take that for granted with the messed up way this world is. I’ll need that for the teenage years that are just around the corner with Christopher turning 13 this year!!! Nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed, and nothing should be wasted. Not one moment or memory. I found an awesome song along that very line…..It’s called "Never Say Goodbye" by Kyprio. Ya, sounds weird but it’s good, trust me. Gotta go…I’m tired and I have a long day ahead. See ya!!!

June 22

So Long and Goodnight!!!!!

I’ve decided to say "F**k it all" and just pack up and move to Edmonton. I can still attend the U of A as an undergrad even tho I dropped the Law Program. Why should I waste my life in this twisted little corner of the world thats full of twisted little people? I don’t see a good reason to stay. My brother and my parents aren’t going to be living here anymore anyhow. I have nothing here….nothing. If I leave at least I’ll meet different people, have a different life, and just forget about this one. I mean, my life is totally fuckin twilight zone compared to what it was a year and a half ago. More change isn’t going to kill me. Sitting here rotting and thinking about what used to be is…………I don’t need that. What I need is to just forget my old life and accept that things will never EVER be the same again and make a new life.

June 14

WTF….the way I feel

HATE ME TODAY by BLUE OCTOBER

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

June 07

whatever

Damn it, the Oilers are losing right now!!!!! 2-0 for Carolina. Betchya already knew that tho eh? Gotta wait 4 the home ice I guess. They’ll do better in Edmonton. I believe in them.

So I finally get a job!!! I am the summer student at the food bank and It’s only been a couple days and I don’t think it’s the right one. Seriously. Its soooooo depressing, and thats not good cuz I’m already depressed. 2 ppl I knew came in today and it was really awkward, plus it’s so hopeless!! Like, I mean how much are we really helping these ppl? They need jobs, a life, ambitions, goals, hope and feeding them is just temporary. A cycle, and I think its just gonna drag me down right now, I mean, I barely even have hope for me. I need to be around something that uplifts me right now. I saw a counsellor this week and she recommended I not work for the summer but that is not an option right now bcuz I have kids and a car payment. I’ll find the right job, I just don’t think It’ll be this one.

Ya life sux, the world sux and everything seems so pointless. I don’t know. I say that like 29x a day…I don’t know. Cuz I don’t. I am not good with change, plus I am a control freak. The kinda person who needs to know what lies ahead. Right now I am just takin one step at a time and it’s freakin the hell outta me. If I could just turn it around and see it as an adventure instead of a destruction of all I’ve worked for and believed in, maybe I’d be ok. Right now tho I’m not even facing reality, I’m ignoring it.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s